Used to be Orange

 How do you cope with loss? do you cry all day? do you get angry? do you blame yourself? well i am all of those feelings. having bpd is not easy. it's a struggle. we got issues around abandonment.  whether people left us, or we just imagining it. it hurts so bad. i'm trying to distract myself from these feelings. i know they are real but i don't want to be consume by it. feeling alone and empty is one thing, but feeling like people abandon you is something. maybe that person is in trouble or they are busy. so i just have to wait. give them some time.  things will get better. you will be better.

days had gone by but the sadness still lingers... last week, my supervisor passed away. it's like a shock to me. especially my unit at work. she was a very happy-go-lucky and bubbly person. every time i walk by her cubicle, i feel sad. because it was so sudden... that week was also when my house was broken into for the 3rd time this year. i was so traumatized that i had to be hospitalized. my mental health had been a roller coaster ever since then. so i need to take care of myself better. i can't let myself drown in sorrow. but it's hard. but this griefing process... i don't know what to think anymore. i'm just sad. i want to live normally. like normal people do. but how do normal people do? maybe if i don't think to much...then i can go through this... maybe....

it's been a while since i wrote here. there's a lot that is going on in my life. let's just say i'm trying to do something new in my life. praying for the best. am crossing fingers. so it's been a few months now since i had my new diagnosis. which is the most accurate. i think. apparently i developed depression because i have borderline personality disorder (BPD). if u don't know what that is, you can search or watch the movie;  Girl, Interrupted. which by the way doesn't really explains about the disorder but just a glimpse of a person living with bpd. anyway, the diagnosis really put every little thing that is wrong in me seems more tolerable. i think. well some things makes more sense if you know what the cause of it. but knowing you have a mental disorder doesn't really stop it from happening either. because i had the worst mental breakdown episode last week which makes my psychiatrist suggested to me two options. either i admitted to the ...

i had a really bad episode yesterday that leading me contemplating the end, obviously. it's coming to the end of ramadan and the festive season are coming in. i thought i was strong. well... i'm not. people are busy preparing for eid al mubarak. i'm here staring at my ceiling deciding how to end it all. i try so hard; but to come to this point and then crashing hard. i hate it every time i do this to myself. i try reaching out to my mum. but when i hear my mom's laughter, it brings joy and sadness to me at the same time. why do i have to be like this? it's not her fault that she had a daughter like me. she didn't even know i was suffering. i didn't want to ruin her night. =(( so i said have a great night and hung up. i tried calling my friends. they want to come over. i said no. i don't want them to see me like this. then what do you need? just stay with me. talk to me. so we talk. each one of them taking turns to talk to me. thank you ...

i don't know how to say this but i need to let it out of my chest. i'm very thankful with my life now. i had it all covered from top to toe. i think i manage myself well after all that is happening in my life. a friend of mine knows what happened to me by accident. she kept wandering how did i manage to stay strong and keep a straight face. she told me i was strong. but in reality i'm not. i did crumble a lot of the times in secret. the thing about depression is it has no face. you wouldn't know if someone has it unless you experienced it yourself. it creeps in at night. making you stay awake. it haunts you. giving you awful ideas. i'm in a loss of words now. i feel overwhelm with the word STRONG i'm not strong. i try so hard to be what i am now. i try so hard to face the world. i try so hard to ignore all the negative thoughts. because i love my kids so much that i need to fight for them. to cherish my life for them. my life go...

when you have depression, the one thing that you want to do is isolate yourself. which is not good for you. but you can't help it. you want to reach out but your mind is telling you things like you're a burden to everyone, nobody loves you nobody really cares about you and it sometimes lead you to the edge you know, when you fell into a hole you only see what's in front of you you're so stuck up with your thoughts that you can't seem to find a way out when you tell people about it they would give you suggestions like why don't you pray more go out and exercise see new people make new friends but what if i don't want to do any of that? some days i can't even get out of my room let alone out of bed how can i do all those things? but in those times, i manage to reach out to my best friend she really knows me inside out she always listens to whatever that i wanted to say even if it's not rational or little dumb things and it woul...

i don't know if this is a phase or something good worth writing about. am i having a midlife crisis? it's like i'm walking blindfolded. i don't know what is good anymore. i want to be living. not just walking through my life. i want to do something. anything. maybe it is something good. is it?? i don't know anymore. please just stay with me. okay. just. for now.

Sometimes i want to runaway from my thoughts. Because they are so negative that it sucks all the wonderful things in my life. I feel like i can't trust anyone anymore. I feel like ending it. I know this is not me but i can't help it. Each time i fell deeper and deeper until i became nothing. i have no one.

it's been a while...i know. i have no excuse whatsoever. i do read other peoples' blog though. i just don't have anything i want to write about anymore. my kids are a gem. they really are so cute and loves you unconditionally no matter how awful you look. sometimes i don't want to get out of bed. but having them by my side really makes me want to do something about my life. i don't want to mope around anymore. i need to brighten up. just do... something. i made a promise to myself to go exercise once a week. get out and meet my friends once a month. do little talk to at least one person at work. meet and spend time with my family. having fun at the park with my kids. and lastly, went to my regular checkup. it has been a long road to recovery. i think i feel a little bit better than the last time i wrote. there are some bad days but i overcome it. it's true what people said. there is a silver lining in everything. i hope this is IT.

i told you guys that i have depression but not what lead to it. well.... i don't know if i can or would tell you about it. not yet. but some of my friends knew about it and i'm okay as long as they're the ones that knows it. how do i say this, i'm not ashamed about it at all but i don't think anyone needs to know about my personal life. i know, me writing in a public blog isn't anywhere private. just bare with me okay. i need to let my feelings out. and sometimes i feel like sharing with people even when i'm actually babbling here. anyway, some of my friends are dealing with the same thing and they're very secretive about it. some are very good friends of mine and i just know about it a last year. but i think it's their right. but how come they are so cool about it? don't they feel like wanted to scream at everyone? well i sure feel like screaming. or is it because i have depression? or because i'm so broken inside that it takes me...

i know. i told you that i'm recovering but something triggered me and it came into a spiral again. i should never listen to my heart. it's still can't think straight. yesterday i went to the clinic. i have a ringing in my ear for a few days now. so i went for a check. it turns out nothing is wrong with my ear. it's all in my head. that is a nerve was compressing my head and i feel it in my ear. something like that. is it because of my depression? well i was kinda a little bit depressed. and i did fell on my head a few times before. so  i did some massage on my head and neck. the ringing had kinda stop. well anyway, today is a new day. i can get through this. i just need to avoid the -ve people. love myself more. if only it is as simple as that. people really thought i was just sad. it's difficult. people just don't understand that you are struggling. your mind is in a constant battle with yourself. i just hope that some day i can get to the end of th...

these few weeks are not so great but i feel fine. after i come out with depression, i started to tell the reason of it. my family was okay with. at first they are mad but i told them that i have accepted it as fate and they should too. they told me as long as i'm happy, they are happy. depression is not a joke. i may have never said this before because i'm afraid it will hurt my mom. because she thinks she's the one that should have this, not me. i love you soo much mom. but when you have an illness it drowns you. i have tried to end all this. i'm not proud of it. but that really opens up my eye that i need help. so i did. and i'm getting better until a few days ago. someone texted me. i don't know this person and i don't want anything to do with him/her. but he/she said some things that made me wonder. my friend told me to just ignore it. but can i? i was getting better but then this came along? what do you want from me??!!!

i'm a mess. i don't know whether to feel happy or sad. i just feel miserable. i don't know if this is my depression talking because i thought i had move all past that. you see, i try to wean myself from the meds. so now i have to confront all this shit feeling that i had ignored. maybe i wean myself too fast? or is this how i'm supposed to feel? i don't know. its all a jumble. but i do know that i started to feel things again. things that i haven't been doing for soo long. maybe i am getting better. i just need time. and a holiday. am trying to save money but it's hard. nowadays, i'm in the mood of trying new food. yes, i splurge on food. i don't like shopping. i'm thinking of korean food. but the affordable ones are not so great in taste. well the first few times are good but now it just tastes dull. so now the ones that are available are more expensive. can i do both? eating my heart out on a holiday?

hey, i don't know how to say this but i used to have a blog. well let's just say that the blog had so much going on that i can't handle it anymore. i try to edit some things out but it takes so much time. so this is my conclusion. create a new blog. this would be the new me. i thought i would stop blogging but i can't. it's who i am. it's what makes me...me. anyway, enough introduction. hopefully i can walk past all the things that are going on and think more towards the future. please pray for me okay.