Used to be Orange

i know. i told you that i'm recovering but something triggered me and it came into a spiral again. i should never listen to my heart. it's still can't think straight. yesterday i went to the clinic. i have a ringing in my ear for a few days now. so i went for a check. it turns out nothing is wrong with my ear. it's all in my head. that is a nerve was compressing my head and i feel it in my ear. something like that. is it because of my depression? well i was kinda a little bit depressed. and i did fell on my head a few times before. so  i did some massage on my head and neck. the ringing had kinda stop. well anyway, today is a new day. i can get through this. i just need to avoid the -ve people. love myself more. if only it is as simple as that. people really thought i was just sad. it's difficult. people just don't understand that you are struggling. your mind is in a constant battle with yourself. i just hope that some day i can get to the end of th

these few weeks are not so great but i feel fine. after i come out with depression, i started to tell the reason of it. my family was okay with. at first they are mad but i told them that i have accepted it as fate and they should too. they told me as long as i'm happy, they are happy. depression is not a joke. i may have never said this before because i'm afraid it will hurt my mom. because she thinks she's the one that should have this, not me. i love you soo much mom. but when you have an illness it drowns you. i have tried to end all this. i'm not proud of it. but that really opens up my eye that i need help. so i did. and i'm getting better until a few days ago. someone texted me. i don't know this person and i don't want anything to do with him/her. but he/she said some things that made me wonder. my friend told me to just ignore it. but can i? i was getting better but then this came along? what do you want from me??!!!

i'm a mess. i don't know whether to feel happy or sad. i just feel miserable. i don't know if this is my depression talking because i thought i had move all past that. you see, i try to wean myself from the meds. so now i have to confront all this shit feeling that i had ignored. maybe i wean myself too fast? or is this how i'm supposed to feel? i don't know. its all a jumble. but i do know that i started to feel things again. things that i haven't been doing for soo long. maybe i am getting better. i just need time. and a holiday. am trying to save money but it's hard. nowadays, i'm in the mood of trying new food. yes, i splurge on food. i don't like shopping. i'm thinking of korean food. but the affordable ones are not so great in taste. well the first few times are good but now it just tastes dull. so now the ones that are available are more expensive. can i do both? eating my heart out on a holiday?

hey, i don't know how to say this but i used to have a blog. well let's just say that the blog had so much going on that i can't handle it anymore. i try to edit some things out but it takes so much time. so this is my conclusion. create a new blog. this would be the new me. i thought i would stop blogging but i can't. it's who i am. it's what makes me...me. anyway, enough introduction. hopefully i can walk past all the things that are going on and think more towards the future. please pray for me okay.