Used to be Orange

 How do you cope with loss? do you cry all day? do you get angry? do you blame yourself? well i am all of those feelings. having bpd is not easy. it's a struggle. we got issues around abandonment.  whether people left us, or we just imagining it. it hurts so bad. i'm trying to distract myself from these feelings. i know they are real but i don't want to be consume by it. feeling alone and empty is one thing, but feeling like people abandon you is something. maybe that person is in trouble or they are busy. so i just have to wait. give them some time.  things will get better. you will be better.

days had gone by but the sadness still lingers... last week, my supervisor passed away. it's like a shock to me. especially my unit at work. she was a very happy-go-lucky and bubbly person. every time i walk by her cubicle, i feel sad. because it was so sudden... that week was also when my house was broken into for the 3rd time this year. i was so traumatized that i had to be hospitalized. my mental health had been a roller coaster ever since then. so i need to take care of myself better. i can't let myself drown in sorrow. but it's hard. but this griefing process... i don't know what to think anymore. i'm just sad. i want to live normally. like normal people do. but how do normal people do? maybe if i don't think to much...then i can go through this... maybe....

i don't know how to say this but i need to let it out of my chest. i'm very thankful with my life now. i had it all covered from top to toe. i think i manage myself well after all that is happening in my life. a friend of mine knows what happened to me by accident. she kept wandering how did i manage to stay strong and keep a straight face. she told me i was strong. but in reality i'm not. i did crumble a lot of the times in secret. the thing about depression is it has no face. you wouldn't know if someone has it unless you experienced it yourself. it creeps in at night. making you stay awake. it haunts you. giving you awful ideas. i'm in a loss of words now. i feel overwhelm with the word STRONG i'm not strong. i try so hard to be what i am now. i try so hard to face the world. i try so hard to ignore all the negative thoughts. because i love my kids so much that i need to fight for them. to cherish my life for them. my life go...

when you have depression, the one thing that you want to do is isolate yourself. which is not good for you. but you can't help it. you want to reach out but your mind is telling you things like you're a burden to everyone, nobody loves you nobody really cares about you and it sometimes lead you to the edge you know, when you fell into a hole you only see what's in front of you you're so stuck up with your thoughts that you can't seem to find a way out when you tell people about it they would give you suggestions like why don't you pray more go out and exercise see new people make new friends but what if i don't want to do any of that? some days i can't even get out of my room let alone out of bed how can i do all those things? but in those times, i manage to reach out to my best friend she really knows me inside out she always listens to whatever that i wanted to say even if it's not rational or little dumb things and it woul...