BPD and me

it's been a while since i wrote here.

there's a lot that is going on in my life. let's just say i'm trying to do something new in my life. praying for the best. am crossing fingers.

so it's been a few months now since i had my new diagnosis. which is the most accurate. i think.

apparently i developed depression because i have borderline personality disorder (BPD). if u don't know what that is, you can search or watch the movie;  Girl, Interrupted. which by the way doesn't really explains about the disorder but just a glimpse of a person living with bpd.

anyway, the diagnosis really put every little thing that is wrong in me seems more tolerable. i think.
well some things makes more sense if you know what the cause of it.

but knowing you have a mental disorder doesn't really stop it from happening either. because i had the worst mental breakdown episode last week which makes my psychiatrist suggested to me two options. either i admitted to the hospital as inpatient or she gives me some time off so that i can relax my mind. of course i chose the latter.

having that option really gives me the final ultimatum that my disorder is a serious illness and even with all the help that i get it's still there to stay. whether i like it or not.

the first time i got the diagnosis, i was stunned.

i did googled it. i did researched it.


i know that it feels somewhat familiar but i never knew THAT is ME!




i am trying to swallow it. trying to really accept it as my fate. but it is damn hard.

there are some days that i wish it's not true. that this is a dream.



some days i hope that i just disappear.

some days i just want to stay still. maybe that way, it doesn't hurt as bad.

some days i blame myself. for being the way i am.


i'm still trying to figure it out.
i can't be normal but at least i can try.

i feel okay.
for now.

let's just hope that i feel okay for a lot longer than before.
=))