Used to be Orange

i don't know if this is a phase or something good worth writing about. am i having a midlife crisis? it's like i'm walking blindfolded. i don't know what is good anymore. i want to be living. not just walking through my life. i want to do something. anything. maybe it is something good. is it?? i don't know anymore. please just stay with me. okay. just. for now.

Sometimes i want to runaway from my thoughts. Because they are so negative that it sucks all the wonderful things in my life. I feel like i can't trust anyone anymore. I feel like ending it. I know this is not me but i can't help it. Each time i fell deeper and deeper until i became nothing. i have no one.

it's been a while...i know. i have no excuse whatsoever. i do read other peoples' blog though. i just don't have anything i want to write about anymore. my kids are a gem. they really are so cute and loves you unconditionally no matter how awful you look. sometimes i don't want to get out of bed. but having them by my side really makes me want to do something about my life. i don't want to mope around anymore. i need to brighten up. just do... something. i made a promise to myself to go exercise once a week. get out and meet my friends once a month. do little talk to at least one person at work. meet and spend time with my family. having fun at the park with my kids. and lastly, went to my regular checkup. it has been a long road to recovery. i think i feel a little bit better than the last time i wrote. there are some bad days but i overcome it. it's true what people said. there is a silver lining in everything. i hope this is IT.

i told you guys that i have depression but not what lead to it. well.... i don't know if i can or would tell you about it. not yet. but some of my friends knew about it and i'm okay as long as they're the ones that knows it. how do i say this, i'm not ashamed about it at all but i don't think anyone needs to know about my personal life. i know, me writing in a public blog isn't anywhere private. just bare with me okay. i need to let my feelings out. and sometimes i feel like sharing with people even when i'm actually babbling here. anyway, some of my friends are dealing with the same thing and they're very secretive about it. some are very good friends of mine and i just know about it a last year. but i think it's their right. but how come they are so cool about it? don't they feel like wanted to scream at everyone? well i sure feel like screaming. or is it because i have depression? or because i'm so broken inside that it takes me...

i know. i told you that i'm recovering but something triggered me and it came into a spiral again. i should never listen to my heart. it's still can't think straight. yesterday i went to the clinic. i have a ringing in my ear for a few days now. so i went for a check. it turns out nothing is wrong with my ear. it's all in my head. that is a nerve was compressing my head and i feel it in my ear. something like that. is it because of my depression? well i was kinda a little bit depressed. and i did fell on my head a few times before. so  i did some massage on my head and neck. the ringing had kinda stop. well anyway, today is a new day. i can get through this. i just need to avoid the -ve people. love myself more. if only it is as simple as that. people really thought i was just sad. it's difficult. people just don't understand that you are struggling. your mind is in a constant battle with yourself. i just hope that some day i can get to the end of th...

these few weeks are not so great but i feel fine. after i come out with depression, i started to tell the reason of it. my family was okay with. at first they are mad but i told them that i have accepted it as fate and they should too. they told me as long as i'm happy, they are happy. depression is not a joke. i may have never said this before because i'm afraid it will hurt my mom. because she thinks she's the one that should have this, not me. i love you soo much mom. but when you have an illness it drowns you. i have tried to end all this. i'm not proud of it. but that really opens up my eye that i need help. so i did. and i'm getting better until a few days ago. someone texted me. i don't know this person and i don't want anything to do with him/her. but he/she said some things that made me wonder. my friend told me to just ignore it. but can i? i was getting better but then this came along? what do you want from me??!!!

i'm a mess. i don't know whether to feel happy or sad. i just feel miserable. i don't know if this is my depression talking because i thought i had move all past that. you see, i try to wean myself from the meds. so now i have to confront all this shit feeling that i had ignored. maybe i wean myself too fast? or is this how i'm supposed to feel? i don't know. its all a jumble. but i do know that i started to feel things again. things that i haven't been doing for soo long. maybe i am getting better. i just need time. and a holiday. am trying to save money but it's hard. nowadays, i'm in the mood of trying new food. yes, i splurge on food. i don't like shopping. i'm thinking of korean food. but the affordable ones are not so great in taste. well the first few times are good but now it just tastes dull. so now the ones that are available are more expensive. can i do both? eating my heart out on a holiday?