My struggle with mental health

  hi,

welcome to my blog.

it's been a while. i nearly forgot that i even have this blog.

i don't even know why i type that title. maybe for clickbait? hahaha

anyway...to say that i'm struggling is an understatement. i just feel empty. i don't feel joy anymore. or maybe it's just my depression talking.

you know what. scratch that.

i need to be clear. you see, to write all of this takes a lot of courage. i know i talk a lot about my mental health, my depression but that only the gist of it. if u really2 should know i was diagnose with cyclothymia. what is that? 

well....doctors called it the baby bipolar. so that means i got a little high but not quite enough to be mania and then i got low but not enough to be the textbook depression. meaning when i'm in mania i may look a little bit happier than usual but not in a hyper way and when i'm in low mood, my depression doesn't stay longer than a week maybe...does that make sense?

it doesn't make sense. i know. because really at first i thought i was so moody and all over the place. what makes it hard is when i hit my low mood. it's like a cloud over my head. i just can't see what's in front of me. my mind is like talking non stop. i just want to sleep so that all the noise can fade away.

doctors said that mental illness is from genetics, but clearly they really don't know.

because to get my diagnose takes years. 

the first time i went to the ER to get help because of my mental health is in 2018. that is the time when something major happened in my life. i was taking some pills because i was mad about that person. and then he sent me to the ER. doc gave me MC and then i started my journey into mental health.

it takes me 5 years to finally doc told me that i'm stable and i can stop seeing them. that is on the year 2023. my diagnosis back then had change to borderline personality disorder(BPD) and then to the latest, cyclothymic disorder.

but then, something major happened  in my life. so yeah, i started going to see the psychiatrist again this year.

not only i feel defeated...i feel crushed. like i tried so hard to be better. to be a little bit normal. but life just hits you. 

and it's okay. it's okay to feel all these feelings. it eventually will pass. it's all God's way to guide you. He knows what's best for you. everything that happens has a meaning. it's not your fault. it's the person's fault. they did this to you. you are the victim. stop blaming yourself. whatever happens in their life is the consequences of their actions. they are to blame, not you. 

i need to say it out loud.

i need to remember.

i don't need to feel guilty. they are.


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