Used to be Orange

days had gone by but the sadness still lingers... last week, my supervisor passed away. it's like a shock to me. especially my unit at work. she was a very happy-go-lucky and bubbly person. every time i walk by her cubicle, i feel sad. because it was so sudden... that week was also when my house was broken into for the 3rd time this year. i was so traumatized that i had to be hospitalized. my mental health had been a roller coaster ever since then. so i need to take care of myself better. i can't let myself drown in sorrow. but it's hard. but this griefing process... i don't know what to think anymore. i'm just sad. i want to live normally. like normal people do. but how do normal people do? maybe if i don't think to much...then i can go through this... maybe....

it's been a while since i wrote here. there's a lot that is going on in my life. let's just say i'm trying to do something new in my life. praying for the best. am crossing fingers. so it's been a few months now since i had my new diagnosis. which is the most accurate. i think. apparently i developed depression because i have borderline personality disorder (BPD). if u don't know what that is, you can search or watch the movie;  Girl, Interrupted. which by the way doesn't really explains about the disorder but just a glimpse of a person living with bpd. anyway, the diagnosis really put every little thing that is wrong in me seems more tolerable. i think. well some things makes more sense if you know what the cause of it. but knowing you have a mental disorder doesn't really stop it from happening either. because i had the worst mental breakdown episode last week which makes my psychiatrist suggested to me two options. either i admitted to the ...

i had a really bad episode yesterday that leading me contemplating the end, obviously. it's coming to the end of ramadan and the festive season are coming in. i thought i was strong. well... i'm not. people are busy preparing for eid al mubarak. i'm here staring at my ceiling deciding how to end it all. i try so hard; but to come to this point and then crashing hard. i hate it every time i do this to myself. i try reaching out to my mum. but when i hear my mom's laughter, it brings joy and sadness to me at the same time. why do i have to be like this? it's not her fault that she had a daughter like me. she didn't even know i was suffering. i didn't want to ruin her night. =(( so i said have a great night and hung up. i tried calling my friends. they want to come over. i said no. i don't want them to see me like this. then what do you need? just stay with me. talk to me. so we talk. each one of them taking turns to talk to me. thank you ...

it's been a while...i know. i have no excuse whatsoever. i do read other peoples' blog though. i just don't have anything i want to write about anymore. my kids are a gem. they really are so cute and loves you unconditionally no matter how awful you look. sometimes i don't want to get out of bed. but having them by my side really makes me want to do something about my life. i don't want to mope around anymore. i need to brighten up. just do... something. i made a promise to myself to go exercise once a week. get out and meet my friends once a month. do little talk to at least one person at work. meet and spend time with my family. having fun at the park with my kids. and lastly, went to my regular checkup. it has been a long road to recovery. i think i feel a little bit better than the last time i wrote. there are some bad days but i overcome it. it's true what people said. there is a silver lining in everything. i hope this is IT.