Used to be Orange

 Having covid and being pregnant is not an easy feat. It takes a lot of courage because it can mess with your mind. Being me, while having bpd is a daily struggle and now this? Was not easy. What makes it easy is having to go through it with someone else.  For the first couple of days i was not in a very good condition. I had high fever, flu and body aches and so does my partner. But we made it through together. Well, i did. He, on the other hand continued to have high fever and then rashes. At that time we were quarantine in our house. We already book an appointment to the CAC (Covid-19 Assessment Centre). When we arrived there, we're hoping that we can continue our quarantine at home, no problem. But then the doc there advised that we need to check-in the hospital for further assessment as our symptoms didn't seem to have lessened and to check on our baby. And so here i am. In the hospital without my partner beside me. Because of my condition, i was considered high risk and ...

 How do you cope with loss? do you cry all day? do you get angry? do you blame yourself? well i am all of those feelings. having bpd is not easy. it's a struggle. we got issues around abandonment.  whether people left us, or we just imagining it. it hurts so bad. i'm trying to distract myself from these feelings. i know they are real but i don't want to be consume by it. feeling alone and empty is one thing, but feeling like people abandon you is something. maybe that person is in trouble or they are busy. so i just have to wait. give them some time.  things will get better. you will be better.

days had gone by but the sadness still lingers... last week, my supervisor passed away. it's like a shock to me. especially my unit at work. she was a very happy-go-lucky and bubbly person. every time i walk by her cubicle, i feel sad. because it was so sudden... that week was also when my house was broken into for the 3rd time this year. i was so traumatized that i had to be hospitalized. my mental health had been a roller coaster ever since then. so i need to take care of myself better. i can't let myself drown in sorrow. but it's hard. but this griefing process... i don't know what to think anymore. i'm just sad. i want to live normally. like normal people do. but how do normal people do? maybe if i don't think to much...then i can go through this... maybe....

it's been a while since i wrote here. there's a lot that is going on in my life. let's just say i'm trying to do something new in my life. praying for the best. am crossing fingers. so it's been a few months now since i had my new diagnosis. which is the most accurate. i think. apparently i developed depression because i have borderline personality disorder (BPD). if u don't know what that is, you can search or watch the movie;  Girl, Interrupted. which by the way doesn't really explains about the disorder but just a glimpse of a person living with bpd. anyway, the diagnosis really put every little thing that is wrong in me seems more tolerable. i think. well some things makes more sense if you know what the cause of it. but knowing you have a mental disorder doesn't really stop it from happening either. because i had the worst mental breakdown episode last week which makes my psychiatrist suggested to me two options. either i admitted to the ...

i had a really bad episode yesterday that leading me contemplating the end, obviously. it's coming to the end of ramadan and the festive season are coming in. i thought i was strong. well... i'm not. people are busy preparing for eid al mubarak. i'm here staring at my ceiling deciding how to end it all. i try so hard; but to come to this point and then crashing hard. i hate it every time i do this to myself. i try reaching out to my mum. but when i hear my mom's laughter, it brings joy and sadness to me at the same time. why do i have to be like this? it's not her fault that she had a daughter like me. she didn't even know i was suffering. i didn't want to ruin her night. =(( so i said have a great night and hung up. i tried calling my friends. they want to come over. i said no. i don't want them to see me like this. then what do you need? just stay with me. talk to me. so we talk. each one of them taking turns to talk to me. thank you ...

i don't know how to say this but i need to let it out of my chest. i'm very thankful with my life now. i had it all covered from top to toe. i think i manage myself well after all that is happening in my life. a friend of mine knows what happened to me by accident. she kept wandering how did i manage to stay strong and keep a straight face. she told me i was strong. but in reality i'm not. i did crumble a lot of the times in secret. the thing about depression is it has no face. you wouldn't know if someone has it unless you experienced it yourself. it creeps in at night. making you stay awake. it haunts you. giving you awful ideas. i'm in a loss of words now. i feel overwhelm with the word STRONG i'm not strong. i try so hard to be what i am now. i try so hard to face the world. i try so hard to ignore all the negative thoughts. because i love my kids so much that i need to fight for them. to cherish my life for them. my life go...